All of me.

 

It was a hot Vancouver night, a warm breeze tousled my black as night hair as I left the taxi. The

Beaumont was a lit with entrancing lights, enough to beckon anyone, perhaps even him. Then again,

deep down I knew he would not show. I was slightly unnerved as I entered the bar, but it went

unnoticed. I slid my hand on the bannister as I slowly, shyly walked down one step at a time. Forging

some balance into my life. Some would say I knew how to make an entrance. I disagree. I was trying to

not draw attention to myself. I scanned the room without looking at anyone in particular, as I only had

eyes for him. My knee length light blue velvet dress stood out on my light golden skin. As I looked

around for the perfect place to sit, I decided on the bar, in view of the door. I sat myself down, trying to

make sure I did not slip right out of the seat. The bar stools were quite high up. As is steadied myself, I

looked up. The bartended did not pay any attention to me at all, why should he. This did not bother me,

more of the same life I had always known. I tried to make subtle eye contact with him, he dismissed this.

I was hungry and wanted to order a drink, so I decided to speak up.

Umm hi, excuse me…

Oh yes hi , he smiled, ill be with you in a bit.

He went to the back, then came out and handed me a menu

Here you go, our specials tonight are over here and here and drinks on the back

Let me know when you are ready…

Okay.

I glanced at the menu. Everything seemed so fancy. Hmm, ill just get a salad and whiskey neat.

I placed my order with him and sat quite still. One eye on the door.Why do I keep doing this to myself.

I am everybody’s fool. He probably laughs at me too. I try not to get

mad at this thought. I was more than passionate. Hot tempered at times. It feels like betrayal to be

laughed at by people who are supposed to stand up for you, people who are supposed to love you back.

The world is stupid, not me. They cannot see past their own reflection or the surface of things. And me?

I always look to deep. Too much emotion always. My thoughts recede. I think back to a past summer. I

remember our phone conversation. I was listening for his affection in his silences. Reading too much

between the lines. Trying to account for the meaning in each sigh. I loved him, that was all I knew. That

was all that mattered. I wondered if I would forget someday. Him. I keep forgetting. but I knew I

wouldn’t. How could I forget him. He is etched into my being. No I would not forget. Just as I knew he

would be mine someday, even though it never appears to be so. The moon and stars, the constellations

and my palms tell our story. My fate. Its not too late. Every part of me belongs to him. Wounded and

torn. What was left to say, that I had not written in those letters. All he said was I read everything you

wrote to me, lingering on everything. He always knew he could unravel me, like a string of pearls around

ones fingers. A toy, I was. I have thought and even said it before, he always had all of me, at first glance

and forevermore. My thoughts go back to 9 years prior. I was waiting to get my hair cut. Lost in my

thoughts, I felt something and decided to look up. There he was. Gorgeous. Unassuming. He smiled his

smile, from the side of his beautiful mouth. He nodded. I just stared at him a second, not understanding

what his intention was, if there was an intention. I went back to looking at the ground, worrying about

school and my future. I felt him again, a warm energy on the side of my neck, the side closest to him. I

looked up again. Hey. He spoke confidently. Hi…….I lingered. He was beautiful. His name was called, and

he got up and forgot all about me. The girl that called upon him was gorgeous. He got lost in her eyes. I

just sat there, knowing he would never look at me like that. Like I am the most beautiful girl in the

world. I did not know it then, that I would love him one day. These memories haunt me now, pangs of a fate unrealized.

An unseizable moment. An inadmissable love. It is hard not to spew hate at people at

times. At people close to my life. All my problems were because of them.

I am transported back to my current moment. Back at the bar.

My food and drink had arrived. But he had not. There is no way he would come. He does not care about

me or how I feel and how I hurt. There was a couple sitting next to me now. This older man and this

young beautiful woman. It appeared they did not know each other, but there was sense of familiarity

between the two. He whispered something in her ear and sat down next to her. They talked awhile and

then he ordered her a drink. I could not make out what they were saying to each other. I looked back

down at my drink. Mmm it was good. I enjoy Bushmills above all other whiskey, as it is light and smooth,

Jamieson is a close second, when the mood is right. I heard a sob and sniffles, and looked back at the

couple. She was crying. The man looked satisfied and left her after whispering something in her ear. I

felt bad for her and wanted to comfort her, but she dismissed my kindness with a sneer.

Fine then. I looked away with slight anger. I had enough of my own problems but it was always like me

to offer up my kindness. It was in my nature. Lost in my thoughts, I did not notice her leave. It was like

she vanished into thin air. I looked back at my drink. I wanted to order another one, but knew I had to

drive home. I felt stupid, why did I come….But what if he showed and It becomes happily ever after for

me? Me and my boyfriend kept breaking up and making up, this was a time when we were broken up. I

only loved two things deeply, love itself and him. After finishing my meal I got up to go to the restroom, I

just wanted to see if I looked pretty. The restroom has this amazing lighting, could make any girl look

good I thought to myself. I was always too critical of myself, always reaching for perfection to make up

for what I lack. The blue really made me look attractive, it was a swede dress, I had saved for exactly

this. I wished he would come and stare at me, just enough to give me courage to smile and perhaps go

up to him. Don’t get me wrong, I loved Johnny, he was my saving grace. But what I felt for him was

unparallel to anything ever experienced. I knew I loved him more than anyone else before my time and

for eons after. I was always thinking if I die before we get to be together, I would wait for him in heaven,

sneak him in as I know I am the gate keeper. I often wonder if he ever thinks of me, probably not. I write

him so much, there is no room to wonder. I write like I said once before, to occupy a moment in his

mind, if he reads what I write then for a few minutes I have him close. Intimately.

I walked back to my seat

The bartender came back around. “how was your drink? He smiled.

Oh really nice, can’t go wrong with whiskey on a night like this. Thank you.

Oh no problem. Have a good night. He left quietly.

I looked at the entrance again. Nope. Nobody there. It was a quiet night. I searched the room. My gaze

landed on where I last saw him, the table on the right of the stage. A nice quiet romantic table for two. I

wondered if he was still with the blonde. Probably. She did not seem right for him. They were too alike.

It would get boring. He needed someone like me. I bend and shape myself to others liking. Like a

chameleon. The difference is so natural, I am not even aware of it, neither are others. I have so many

different layers to me, aspects of my womanhood. Maybe there just moods. I know my authentic self,

and I knew he saw it too. I looked at the candle in the middle of the table. Flickering with delight or

boredom. He looked so perfect that night. No one could wear a white shirt and dress pants quite like

him. He suited the white the black, like it was an aspect of his personality. It’s either right or wrong. Love

or not. There was no grey. We were alike in this to a point. I could see grey. I always could agree with

both sides of the argument and was too open minded. But I liked this about myself. I looked at my

watch. 11pm. I should just go home. I looked so pretty tonight. I really wanted him to see me in this

shade of blue. I quietly watched the door again and then got up to leave. Disappointed and alone.

I cried the drive home. Something intrinsic was missing in me ever since I met him. When I got home, I

slowly undressed and went to bed. Lying there. I wondered if he was listening to my thoughts. I wonder

if I held a place in his heart, anywhere. But I knew I probably didn’t. I finally fell asleep disappointed and alone. (2018)